My parents have always been, and I pray will always be, wildly supportive of my ambitions and dreams. They’ve supplied me with all the tools I’ll ever need to bring my goals to fruition: they never said “no” to anything that would teach me, academically or in a life sense. I went to a great school; I had the best holiday experiences. I was always encouraged and rarely inhibited.
I really cannot, and should not, complain. Now I could be the drama queen that I am and say that being showered with their love has set me up for disappointment. I could say that the positive reinforcement I’ve received my whole life has led me down a narcissistic path, but I don’t think I can put that all on my parents and my upbringing. But that is classic me, I guess, going as far as taking credit for even the “nurture” aspect of my narcissism.
It’s not as if my parents have fed me endless compliments and financial aid and are willing to support me forever. They realize that I’m less than a year out of college and it can be a tough and challenging adjustment. Even aside from my crippling nostalgia and desire to live in the past, they still urge me to work for the future. The other day I was on the phone with my parents (we have family phone calls, sue me) and I told them that enough was enough and I was ready to be successful.
My mom responded with: “success doesn’t come overnight,” but that doesn’t sound like anything I would ever say so it’s kind of tough to take it to heart. If success were based on passion, then sure, I’d be successful. I know what I want, and I think about it nonstop. And I am getting there, just slowly. Actually, slowly would be generous. I’m moving at a glacial pace. A glacial pace but pre global warming, back when those glaciers really stood their ground.
I hope I haven’t painted a picture of a lazy guy who lacks ambition and drive, because that is not the case. I do work hard and I do put in the effort. I got the grades . I guess what I’m saying is that I thought it would be easier. Call me naïve, call me sheltered, but I genuinely thought I’d be somewhere by now. The biggest lesson that I’ve learned since graduating from high school is that I’m expendable. Here I am thinking that someone is going to hunt me down and pick me up, because hey, I was told that I was special. The years of being told that I was smart and funny helped me to build up this elaborate story of me in my mind.
In my vision of how my future would pan out, I was going to get “discovered” and taken under the wing of some hot shot comedian or producer, and ushered into the world where I knew I belonged. And I still get lost in that vision all the time; it’s my safe haven and it’s hard to give up. Of course, I know I have to, because as long as I feel safe I know I won’t push myself to my very limits and that is what I need to do. I don’t have a damn clue what that means, obviously, but maybe I’ll figure that out on my own. The future belongs to me, and I need take ownership of it.