I am nothing more than the consequence of catastrophe.

The world might be sunny-side up today.

The big ball of yellow might be spilling into the clouds, runny and yolky and blurring into the bluest sky, bright with cold hope and false promises about fond memories, real families, hearty meals sitting on a plate in a world that doesn’t exist anymore.Or maybe not.
Maybe it’s dark and wet today, whistling wind so sharp it stings the skin off the knuckles of grown men. Maybe  it’s raining, I don’t know maybe it’s freezing it’s hailing it’s a hurricane slip slipping into a tornado and the earth is quaking apart to make room for our mistakes. I wouldn’t have any idea.
I don’t have a window anymore. I don’t have a view. It’s a million degrees below zero in my blood and I’m buried 50 feet underground in a training room that’s become my second home lately. Everyday I stare at these 4 walls and remind myself I’m not a prisoner I’m not a prisoner I’m not a prisoner but sometimes the old fears streak across my skin and I can’t seem to break free of the claustrophobia clutching at my throat.

I made so many promises when I arrived here.

Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m worried. Now my mind is a traitor because my thoughts crawl out of bed every morning with darting eyes and sweating palms and nervous giggles that sit in my chest,build in my chest, threaten to burst through my chest, and the pressure is tightening and tightening and tightening.

Life around here isn’t what I expected it to be.My new world is etched in gunmetal, sealed in silver, drowning in the scents of stone and steel. The air is icy, the mats are orange; the lights and switches beep and flicker. It’s busy here, busy with bodies, busy with halls stuffed full of whispers and shouts, pounding feet and thoughtful footsteps. If I listen closely I can hear the sounds of brains working and foreheads pinching and fingers tap tapping at chins and lips and furrowed brows. Ideas are carried in pockets,thoughts propped up on the tips of every tongue; eyes are narrowed in concentration, in careful planning I should want to know about.

But nothing is working and all my parts are broken.

I’m supposed to harness my Energy,It’s  said. Our gifts are different forms of Energy. Matter is never created or destroyed, the said to me, and as our world changed, so did the Energy within it. Our abilities are taken from the universe, from other matter, from other Energies. We are not anomalies.We are inevitabilities of the perverse manipulations of our Earth. Our Energy came from somewhere,they said. And somewhere is in the chaos all around us.

It makes sense. I remember what the world looked like when I left it.

I remember the pissed-off skies and the sequence of sunsets collapsing beneath the moon. I remember the cracked earth and the scratchy bushes and the used-to-be-greens that are now too close to brown. I think about the water we can’t drink and the birds that don’t fly and how human civilization has been reduced to nothing but a series of compounds stretched out over what’s left of our ravaged land.

This planet is a broken bone that didn’t set right, a hundred pieces of crystal glued together. We’ve been shattered and reconstructed, told to make an effort every single day to pretend we still function the way we’re supposed to. But it’s a lie, it’s all a lie. I do not function properly.

I am nothing more than the consequence of catastrophe.

Events have collapsed at the side of the road, abandoned, already forgotten.  I’ve taken up residence on a bed of eggshells, wondering when something is going to break, when I’ll be the first to break it, wondering when everything is going to fall apart.I should’ve been happier, healthier, sleeping better, more soundly in this safe space. Instead I worry about what will happen when if I can’t get this right, if I don’t figure out how to train properly, if I hurt someone on purpose by accident.

We’re preparing for a bloody war.

That’s why I’m training. We’re all trying to prepare ourselves to take down The enemy  and his men. To win one battle at a time. To show the citizens of our world that there is hope yet—that they do not have to acquiesce to the demands of The Reestablishment and become slaves to a regime that wants nothing more than to exploit them for power. And I agreed to fight. To be a warrior. To use my power against my better judgment. But the thought of laying a hand on someone brings back a world of memories, feelings, a flush of power I experience only when I make contact with skin not immune to my own. It’s a rush of invincibility; a tormented kind of euphoria; a wave of intensity flooding every pore in my body. I don’t know what it will do to me. I don’t know if I can trust myself to take pleasure in someone else’s pain.

All I know is that The Enemy ’s last words are caught in my chest and I can’t cough out the cold or the truth hacking at the back of my throat.

You have   no idea that The enemy  can touch me.No one does.

He was supposed to be dead because I was supposed to have shot him but no one supposed I’d need to know how to fire a gun so now I suppose he’s come to find me. He’s come to fight. Happy Mashujaa day.

13 Reasons Why 

To many, Hannah Baker was just a fictional character first in a book then in a Netflix series that went viral. To many others who related, they saw Hannah Baker within themselves.
Many saw themselves walking beside her in the halls as whispers grew louder and couldn’t be silenced.
Other saw themselves in the relationships that went from best friends to looking at one another like strangers. And how having some good memories from the past can hurt.
Many saw themselves in loneliness when surrounded by so many. When you are in a sea of people yet you feel alone you just hope someone will understand.
Others saw themselves in the love story of being too afraid to say how you felt, out of fear the other person might not say it back. So silence broke hearts when words might have healed it. 
“I cost a girl her life because I was too afraid to love her.”
Many saw themselves in the rape scenes. Where fear and shock was very real to a point where you’re frozen just wanting it to stop. Then it does. And you change. And there is no way to undo what has happened to you, so you have to live with something you didn’t choose but was forced upon you. And it takes everything in you to not blame yourself.
Others saw themselves in how depressed Hannah was walking around trying to make sense of how complicated it is to feel things so deeply sometimes. Hiding behind a mask because it’s easier to pretend everything was okay, then admit you need help.
Many others and I think the hardest place people saw themselves was in the suicide. Whether you’ve attempted yourself or thought about it, the scene made me cringe. Not just because it was so graphic but because I know it’s so many people’s reality.

This is to you…

When suicide is the second leading cause of death for kids between the ages of 18-24, that’s more than a statistic. Those are lives that have been lost. Those are children, friends, students, peers. And way too many people who should still be here.
So to every person who isn’t a statistic…
I’m so proud of you.
I am so proud of you because I know how hard some days are.
I know how alone you feel.
I understand there’s this pain within you, you can’t shake.
I know you think ending your life is a solution. But it isn’t. All that happens when you end your pain is you pass along to someone else. Your death is something that happens to everyone else around you.

And I know you might feel empty or feel nothing at all. Maybe you have a plan already or a suicide note, written. When you know exactly how you are going to do it and when.
But I’m going to stop you there.
I’m going to ask you to stay because so many people need you here.
Because I know there is a little bit of hope left in you. I know you don’t want to end your life, you just want the pain you’re feeling to go away.
And I don’t know what is causing it for you, maybe it’s heartbreak or bullying or depression. Maybe you’re 17 too and you don’t see a future.
But these things you are feelings, these bad days you are having, are simply preparing you for all the good that has yet to come in your life.

Stay around to see those good days.

There are still so many people who have yet to meet you. So many lives you are going to change. Love stories that need you apart of them. Because as lost as you feel and as lonely as you feel, there is somebody looking for someone just like you. Do not deny them the chance of meeting you because you want to take your life.
I know, it kind of feels like you’re alone and no one understands. I know you might be stressed and overwhelmed, not just by school or work but about these heavy emotions consuming you and it’s taken a toll.
And you feel like a burden to people around you. You think their lives would be better if they didn’t have to worry about you so much. But they would rather worry than be weeping at your funeral blaming themselves for something they should have seen.
But people don’t see it. Because I know like Hannah, you’re really good at hiding how you feel. I know you’ve mastered the art of keeping your head down in silence when so many thoughts consume you, taking you to this dark negative place.
I know you feel both invisible and silent. Because you can’t even find the words to describe how you feel, you just know it’s not right.
I know how much it hurts. Even if you can’t describe what that “it” is. There’s a pain within your soul you can’t shake.

I’m going to tell you something you might not have heard in awhile you are so strong. The fact that you can feel these things so deeply and it can only be described as hell when your mind tries to drag you into darkness but you still find the light.
You become a light for others because you know what it’s like to be in that deep.
You weren’t here you simply end your life looking for the easy way out. Because nothing about that is easy. But you were here to prevent others from making a mistake that will cost them everything.
I need you to simply do one thing for me, get it tomorrow. And when you get there, get to the next day. And when you get there, get to the one after that. One day you are going to look back at this and realize how glad you are, things didn’t end when you wanted them to.
And when that day comes and you’re standing on your own two feet and those thoughts at night aren’t drowning you, the way I know they are right now, I want you to reach out to me and tell me you’ve made it.
Because I know you have the strength to get there.
A bad day is only 24 hours but the best day of your life could be tomorrow. 

​What you don’t know about the Doctor’s Strike

Truth is, negotiations over compensation arrangements always involve legitimate self-interest. The seller of services (in this case a doctor) attempts to obtain as much compensation as possible, while the buyer (Government) attempts to obtain the service at the lowest possible cost.
That is why there needs to be an updated nation’s estimated fair market value for every profession at any point in time. But before we get to that, here’s a major problem we have as Kenyans:
Simple Math
In the new demands, the proposed minimum basic salary is Ksh.107,730 up from the current Ksh.35,910. That’s a 200% INCREMENT not 300%. The 300% reflects the proposed pay as a percentage of the current pay NOT THE INCREMENT! Including allowances, the proposed minimum gross pay is Ksh.325,730 over the current Ksh.127,910. That’s a 154.65% INCREMENT and NOT 300% INCREMENT with 254.65% being the proposed gross pay as a percentage of the current gross pay.
Since we’ve cleared the air on the math, basing our arguments around the 154.65% Total Pay increment is utterly misleading. The argument should instead be centered on whether the basic salary the physicians are asking for reflects their fair market value. We need to take note of the fact that the 154.65% basically indicates the deviation of the current pay from what the physicians perceive to be the current fair market value of the profession.
So do the pay demands reflect the fair market value of a Physician in Kenya? This should be the basis of the discussion.
The Fair market value in this case is determined by several factors but I’d like to bring one obvious one into the spotlight: The Patient Demand. According to a recent article on The Star on a recent study by KMPDU, the survey revealed that Kenya has 3,956 doctors in the public sector but the number drops by the month as more doctors resign, having already lost over 2,000 of them as a result of poor working conditions. 3,956 doctors in public sector means Kenya is a nation with an estimated doctor: patient ratio of 1:17,000 against WHO recommended ratio of 1:1,000.
A ratio of 1:17000 mathematically means that each physician does the work of relatively 17 physicians ceteris paribus. That’s a mathematical projection of the current patient overload on an average physician in Kenya. Cuba, on the other hand, with 70,000 trained physicians, currently leads the world with the lowest doctor to patient ratio of 1:155 as per 2012; it’s probably at 1:140 or less by now. Clearly the lowest patient overload in the world~ Just in case you were about to bring Cuba Physician pay into the picture.
India on the other end has doctor to patient ratio of 1:1,681 as per 2016. South Africa: 1: 1,298 against a minimum gross pay of about Ksh. 370,000 per month. Do not forget that the average Consumer Price Index of South Africa over the past 3 years has been around 120.5 while Kenya’s at around 161.
So what does this data show us? Kenyan Physicians are overworked. And more importantly, the market value for a physician in Kenya is approximately over 10 Times higher than a physician in South Africa or USA for instance. Sad story.
Ok…enough with the pay and the suffering of these poor doctors.
Money is a sensitive issue. Definitely why the other more important demands in the CBA are easily going unnoticed: Review of physician working conditions, job structures and criteria for promotions and training, addressing under-staffing of medical professionals in public hospitals, availing of appropriate Medical Equipment, Medical Research facilitation among others.
The truth is, the realities of public hospitals in Kenya are horrible. With the implementation of this agreement as it is, we can project improved services in public hospitals especially for the average Kenyan. We don’t need any more of us struggling with finances to get folks to India or South Africa.
A study of the confederation of Indian Industry in 2005 put the annual number of Medical Tourists at 151,000 and projected the figure to rise by 15% a year. Current estimates put the numbers at around 500,000. About 60% of Kenyans who travel for medical care go to India, with South Africa coming at a distant second with slightly above 15%.
Studying these two countries, their major Health Industry Strengths are: Better doctor to patient ratio, Better working conditions, Better medical equipment and Medical Research facilitation. These, among others, generally translate to better services in public hospitals.
The same is possible for Kenya with this agreement’s implementation. Besides access to quality Health Services for an average Kenyan, Kenya can become a hub of medical tourism in the East Africa Region. According to Pathway CEO in a recent article on Nation, every month we get up to 2,000 patients coming to Kenya Hospitals from the greater East Africa region. We can triple this numbers every year.
But our government simply wants to trade all that with a 40% pay rise just to silence the doctor’s strike.
This is a government that allocates only Ksh. 60.4 Billion to Health, 2.43% of the 2016/2017 budget. The same government has lost over Ksh. 600 Billion to CORRUPTION, 24.2% of the 2016/2017 budget. It’s a shame.

Think about it. And don’t stop.

Something to Consider with Criticism

“It will lead to an opportunity for you to witness. Therefore make up your minds not to prepare your defense ahead of time, for I will give you such words and a wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.” Luke 21:13-15 (HCSB)

Criticism stinks. That’s usually my first thought when someone makes it clear they don’t like something I’ve done or said.

My pride says, “How dare you!”
My heart says, “I want a chance to explain.”
My soul says, “Jesus, am I off base?”
My mind says, “Why do I open myself up like this?”
My feelings say, “Ouch.”

Sometimes criticism is fair. Maybe I messed up and it would serve me well to reconsider. Other times criticism is nothing but rotten spew. And boy, does it stink. But if I get stuck in the stink, it serves no good purpose.

Might there be another way to look at harsh criticism? Is there a way to get past the hurt to see something about the one criticizing me that will soften my heart toward them?

Recently, I stumbled on an article about the armadillo lizard. This fascinating creature has hard and pointy scales that have “Don’t mess with me” written all over them. But, like all tough creatures, this lizard has a vulnerable place.

The armadillo lizard’s tough exterior wraps around its back but softens at the underbelly. When threatened, the lizard grabs its tail and displays a prickly, intimidating posture to keep other creatures away. At that point, the rest of the body serves only one purpose — to hide and protect its most vulnerable part.

So what does a strange desert creature have to do with criticism?

In an effort to protect my underbelly, I sometimes get all wrapped up in myself and tragically forget the underbelly of my critics — the place where they are vulnerable and might be hiding things, protected beneath their harsh words and a prickly exterior.

This is a place they may never let me see. It’s the storage place for their hurts and disappointments. It holds the root cause of their skepticism and the anger that probably has very little to do with me. “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Matthew 12:34b, NIV). And from the overflow of their hurt, they spewed.

Remember … behind every harsh critic is usually a broken-hearted person desperate for love.

If I forget the other person’s vulnerability, I am tempted to start storing up my own hurt, skepticism, anger and disappointments.

If I remember this underbelly, I have a much greater chance to keep it all in perspective. I can let my reaction be a good example to this other person just as our key verse, Luke 21:13-15 reminds us: “It will lead to an opportunity for you to witness. Therefore make up your minds not to prepare your defense ahead of time, for I will give you such words and a wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.”

When criticism comes — and it will — I must make up my mind not to worry about defending myself. I can resist the urge to become prickly and use it as an opportunity to be a witness. A witness of the love, grace and mercy of Jesus. Things I desperately need myself.

Dear Lord, thank You for this challenge to think about the other person’s underbelly before I react to criticism. I know it’s a simple step, but it’s so hard to live out. Help me put this truth into practice and to walk in the wisdom You have already given me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

1 Peter 3:9, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (NIV)

Proverbs 30:5, “Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to him for protection.” (NLT)

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Learn more about responding with honesty and kindness in the face of offense with Lysa TerKeurst’s book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. You can purchase your copy here and start learning how to find peace even in your most difficult relationships.

Is there someone in your life who is consistently critical of you? Spend some time praying specifically for that person today. Ask God to show you how you can best be a witness to her, and ask Him to bring healing to her wounded and vulnerable places.

Sometimes we ourselves are the critical ones. Choose someone whom you would normally be critical of and focus on one way you can sincerely encourage her this week.

Beautiful things aren’t perfect

It seems strange to write this in a culture obsessed with perfection. But what is stranger perhaps, is that perfection is as much a construction as most other things; a dynamic idea that lives in the collective imagination of a people. Whether it’s bodies or art or rhetoric, or anything you can think of, we collectively negotiate and are in conversation essentially about a standard by which to determine things. And the height of this standard is perfect. But think of anything that you love, anything or anyone you think is beautiful – a painting, a book, a person – is it perfect? Are they perfect? Notwithstanding personal religious beliefs, my answer is always no.

Beauty itself has a standard, a standard that is wrought with biases and prejudice and cultural specifications and implications. Despite knowing that our understanding of beauty is limited not only because of our humanity, but because of the diverse ways in which we are socialized, we still have this yearning for reaching this standard of perfection in the things and the people we consider beautiful. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to others? Why do we claim to want something futile and unattainable?

Perhaps if you believe as I do that there is a Creator and the Creator is perfect, and so our soul might have a predisposition to seek out perfection. But even within these theological constructs, it would be misguided to look for that perfection in ordinary beings, that I might encounter in a Supreme Being. After all, the world is fallen and if we take that for granted, then everything contains something good and beautiful. But also something tainted with the consequence of imperfection in a fallen world.

I often wonder how many people go to bed at night feeling so inadequate about who they are – from the features on their face, to the curves on their bodies; from head to spirit to soul to toe. I wonder about this because I find that all of us are so critical of ourselves, and not in way that is particularly beneficial. If you take perhaps half a day to listen to how you talk about yourself, you will realize that it’s incredibly suffocating much of the time. You are suffocating yourself in your expectations of perfection.

And of course these endless critiques are not limited to the person we see in the mirror. We transfer them to those around us, and we are often harsher than necessary. It makes sense. How can you be kind to others when you are not kind to yourself? We inflict upon each other these near impossible standards and expectations, and we are all founding wanting because of it. Ironically, it demonstrates further how we are creatures of imperfection.

Perhaps then it is in the brokenness of the things that make up our lives, that we ought to really search for beauty. Perhaps that is the only way to really find it, and to find often. Moreover, I am not sure a single perfect thing exists on this earth; I think that our constructions deceive us and limit us even more than we are already, in this state of being. I think it is better to still find beauty in the cruel, shameful, and ugly parts of life. I think that sort of beauty is resilient and mysterious and spectacular; and above all, honest. I think that sort of beauty lasts forever.

Beautiful things aren’t perfect.

The State Of Mfangano

Mfangano. Mfangano our mother land;strategically placed at the heart of the great lake Victoria.Endowed with priceless natural resources,blessed with the best brains that the world desperately needs,characterized by beautiful people,scenic landscape,wonderful wildlife and very pleasant Eco-system and environment. Mfangano is definitely heavenly;the universal throne of greatness.

mfangano mpya

As someone quiped,”God,seating on His rotating seat,can be at ease sipping His cup of coffee while looking at man’s affairs all around Him-in all the islands;Remba,Ringiti,Migingo,Kiwa,Lolwe and dry land;Rusinga,Kaksingri.Gwasii and Labwe, that sorround Mfangano.
A great land of so great people that no one in the world can refute it is a fact.But truer is the fact that the mindset of most people in Mfangano is very prety. It is why they end up having mediocre lifestyle,below average.
There is nothing exciting about being average in life.Being average simply means being at the top of the bottom!Oh Mfangano,you are too endowed to beg,too blessed to be pretty. Don’t you know!

mfanagno mpya 1

Mfangano is great,her location royal,her potential first class ,her people strong but the only thing that is letting her down is the mindset of the majority whose philosophy in life,day by day perspectives and the thoughts patterns developed from childhood is very negative due to their rude and uninspired environment;these gallant sons and elegant daughters of this royal island suffer from some mental deficiency that develop in them,low self esteem;poor self image.With this,they end up training their eyes to look at life from a victim’s angle and consequently results to a life full of illusions,fantasies,self destructive attitudes and behaviors.
This is a tragedy of destiny.Their mindset and attitude is largely influenced and controlled by their negative life experiences.How unfortunate!Let’s be inspired before we expire.
Some of the sons and daughters of our mother land have turned their back on this island.Some have called it all sorts of names and abused it to some extent.Instead of looking forward to better days ahead and acting in a way that leads there,they have chosen to glance overseas in search of a great and dignified life.The exodus from Mfangano to the West(America) in recent years have been massive and prominent.I come from a village where almost every family’s dream is to have one or most of its members abroad.People have come to believe that to be great is to leave Mfangano,I thank God for those who didn’t believe in this and their presence in the island brought transformation to the community.

My advice to all of us is that you can blossom from whatever location you find yourself in this world.Maya Angelou said,’If you don’t like something change it,if you can’t change it,change your attitude’.Most people like petty lives,not because of their location but because of their attitude.


It is very unfortunate how the majority of people in our island are trained mentally and socially from childhood to fear their dreams,doubt their destiny and disown their greatness.It’s like the core mission of our social set ups is to discourage us to believe beyond our community mental and social status.In most communities Dream killers and Destiny breakers have outnumbered positive minded people and this create a big negative imbalance in our upbringing,and as a result most youths are discouraged into believing into their own greatness and end settling for far less aspirations that are far below their real potential.


As Dr.Myles Munroe observed:’The result of this human ‘counter development’ process is that the majority of the hearth’s population lives under the spell and debilitating power of spectra called ‘fear’.Fear is the source of ninety percent of lack of progress and personal development in the lives of millions of gifted,talented,and resourceful individuals.

Many expert in the field of human behavior have stated that the fear of failure and fear of success are the most powerful and most prevalent fears experienced by human family.

Let’s be inspired and put on new glasses and start looking at life from a differing angle,let people’s opinions and most of the time their assessment of our,intelligence ,talents and ability not to led us to lower our own worth and treat our aspiration as suspect.Let’s back to drawing board and start a new and a fresh journey of greatness.

The kind of change that is needed is the kind that an entire island must undergo ,on behalf of their descendants ,and for their children’s children.It is the kind of change that is painful and terrifying and the stuff of true courage.It seems the Island forget to often,courage is more than a man(person) with a gun.


The courage to be part of this change exists at the institutional level -where everything from education to poverty to employment to healthcare becomes tarnished with MFANGANO’s deep-seeted hatred and clanism.Changing this is a work of many generations.But there exist too a courage that is individual .It is a courage that begins with discomfort of having to confront and question all you’ve been told.

For many -for the majority of those who exist in power and privilege as far as identity goes it begins with the willingness to question the reality you live in;to admit that reality does not belong to everyone and standpoint is important.Because how can we even begin honest conversation about Island when we cannot agree that you and I leave in the same Island ,but because history and all that it brings ,that world is unequal and just?We do not experience the world in the same way as each other.


And many cannot admit this ,many refuse to see that one’s perception of the world is not the only one that exists.And indeed that goes for everyone ,but especially those who exist in social positions of power.But if you want you want to find how well the society is in any subject,you asked the least privileged and least powerful-and it is there that you will find you mist important answers.

The truth is not always easy or simple .But the truth is an empty stomach ,a long ,hard day that become long hard months and years trying to make end meet;the truth is dead body in the ground.The truth is poverty ,prevails in Mfangano in 2016 in a way that is sometimes subtle and obvious.But it is always terrifying.

I find there is little courage when people are asked to admit these truths.Perhaps that is what is so frustrating about our conversation on this.We seem to disagree fundamentally on the fundamental-depending on who you are.Sometimes is a matter of mere education and other times,it is willful ignorance.

mfangano -lake

You can’t force people to believe what you do.But you can provide sound social arguments,you can observe and explain social experiences of different groups-you can show patterns.But ultimately people must be left to their own devices to make up their own minds.The problem of course is that before we approach these conversations,many minds are already made up.The stories ,the realities cease to matter.It is unfortunate,I do think however ,that because these conversations are almost impossible that they should not be tried for.On the contrary ,I believe that trying to do the impossible is necessary