The Naked Truth About College Grads

Graduate college, they said, It’ll be fun, they said.

They also said that you’d walk across that stage and opportunities would start knocking and kicking and scratching at your door. That you’d smile for that cheesy handshake photograph and hold your fake certificate (Sarcastic)  and all of a sudden you’d feel like (and simultaneously become) a full-fledged, accomplished, educated, real-life, ducks-in-a-row adult.
But anyone who’s graduated college in the last decade knows that’s not the reality. You don’t shrug on your cap and gown and suddenly feel responsible, suddenly know how to file taxes and pay off loan debt. You don’t finish your last final and suddenly realize what you’re doing with your life. You don’t even know what you’re doing for the next six months.
Here’s the harsh reality about being a college grad right now: you’re caught in limbo.

If you’re one of the lucky ones, you’ve accepted a job and you’re set for the temporary now. You have some sort of plan, but without job security, without tenure, and with a highly competitive market, you’ve been trained to not trust in the permanence of anything. Cynical? Maybe. Truth? Definitely.
Here’s the harsh reality about being a college grad right now: you’re caught in limbo. Suddenly, you are too old for college parties. That doesn’t mean you can’t attend them (by all means, do you boo boo) but suddenly your mindset has changed. You need to job hunt, you need to wake up early for the crappy part-time gig you’ve taken in the months between graduation and getting a ‘real career,’ and you have things to do that doesn’t include getting wasted on a Monday night. But you want to go to college parties. 
Your friends are either still in school or have graduated, left town (or not), started their lives (or are pretending to start their lives) and you’re desperate for someone to pregame with,  go out with. So you cyber-stalk all their social media , wondering who they’re hanging out with, who’s all at that party, and if they’re missing you.
But then there’s that part of you that scoffs. You’ve matured, you’ve changed, and you’ve left that college scene. You had your fun. Obligations, priorities, mature fun, and things that you could never afford or even dream up when you were that broken, tragic college seniors.
But still, you’re caught in limbo. There’s a laundry list of expectations that you’re supposed to live up to. You’re supposed to get that job, move, work, make money, be successful, date, marry, have children. Or something along those lines. And you’re nowhere near. (Which is okay, by the way. As long as you’re trying to get yourself together.)
Then there’s the realization that this is it, this is life. And you’re excited about the possibilities, the places you could go, the jobs you could take, and the potential significant others that are gallivanting around somewhere on this planet, wondering about the potential you. The future is limitless. But terrifying.
You’re caught between the familiar and the new, the comfortable and the unknown. There’s the person you’ve been for the last four years, and then there’s this new you—this post-grad you, this adult you—Are you the same person? Suddenly changed? A mix of both?
The post-grad world is strange. You’re not sure who you’re expected to be, and not really sure who you want to be. You’re trying your best to figure it out, to get that dream job, to find a place and a home and a future to claim as your own. But the naked truth about graduating college is that it’s not this paved, golden road. Yes, your education is valuable. And yes, you have a world of possibilities at your fingertips. But that doesn’t make it easier.
Graduating college, just like being in college, is another journey. And with any journey, you need faith, perseverance, hard work, a map, and your heart for when you throw your map out the window.
You’ll make it eventually. It just takes time. And a period of crappy, rough, who-am-I months. But at least you’re leaving on first food anymore, right? 

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​Know Your Worth And Always Believe


I’m feeling inspired to write a post today as the cold is slowly trickling in this part of the Rift Valley . Since the December is fast approaching, I think it’s important we take the time to reflect on our selves, on our year, our accomplishments as well as our challenges, as we look towards 2018.

I think sometimes we get caught up in the fast life where we’re constantly being pressured to perform better, compete with others and trying to live up to impossible expectations. Sometimes we forget about the things that make us happy, the passion and pure love we have for them because we unfortunately live in a society where greed, criticism and hatred thrives. It’s that vicious cycle of low self-esteem, lack of motivation and inspiration, self-doubt and failures. Sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to even see any success out of constant set backs and so what a lot of us do, is we run. We quit because we can’t handle the pressure. We think quiting is the only option.

But… what if I told you that quitting isn’t the only option? What if I told you that perverseness and hard-work can get you anywhere you dream and you’ll one day be truly happy? Would you believe me?

The thing about that is it’s also a quite naive idea because nothing in life comes easy. Nothing in life is ever linear. We’re trained and educated to think linearly. But that’s not reality.

In truth our lives and the world we live in is so nonlinear it sometimes feel we’re being thrown in different directions.

The past  year of my life have definitely been the hardest but my outlook on life has completely changed, and for the better.

 I’ve met and heard stories from people alike and people different all with different perspectives, experiences and ideas. But what made every single story and person so empowering was the idea that in spite of tragedy, loss or hardship, the power of the human spirit and the inner strength and resilience that can be built amazed me. I no longer looked at myself as a lost cause. As someone not worthy of love or happiness. Grief didn’t define or control my life. I didn’t have to be ashamed of who I am.

 I was going through growing up and experiencing so many new and overwhelming things for the first time in my life and that  made me very fragile and vulnerable. I struggled with wanting so bad to be normal but trying to grasp that this was reality and the hard challenge of coping with this .

And trust me it hasn’t been easy and I know that I still have so much more to discover and grasp about my loss. But I got a whole lifetime and heck if I learned this much in a year I wonder where I’ll be 10 years from now?  And yes, if you haven’t noticed already I am a dreamer. I am a hopeful and very cliche person but all that I’m sharing is from experience.

And finally, I simply just want to live. Live ,to finished school, follow my dreams and be apart of change in the world. I want anyone out there who may be struggling, I want you to know that you have a purpose. There is only one of you and your uniqueness is what makes you beautiful. You don’t have to conform to society’s social norms and stereotypical boxes. You don’t have to feel pressured be like anyone else or live up to any standards. You set the standard and the goal for yourself. You know your ability and limitations and don’t ever let anything hold you back.

Lastly, remember your story and your voice matters. I’ll leave you with this question: Now, what would your story be?

An Apology Letter to the Passage of Time.


I spent so long hating you. So long entwined with the idea that you were running at a pace three steps too fast, laughing at me as I buckled over in a desperate attempt to catch my breath. I resented the way I couldn’t control you, the way your busy hands outreached mine and changed everything I wanted so deeply to remain the same. I was infuriated by the way the past always seemed so much prettier, but you never stopped stealing it. It tore me up to know that there are places in life I would already have been to for the last time.

You were kind of like that word that everybody else knew the meaning of but me. One I waited too long to ask about, so eventually I just began to play along. Like it’s a game of broken telephone and I was the last one in line, my message got mixed and I’ve been looking at you differently than the rest of the world ever since.

I goggled your name in a sea of others and regardless of what the dictionary spit out all I heard was that the happiness that belongs to today will soon belong to yesterday, and to be honest that broke my heart.

Yet everyone else seemed to flow with you. People kept looking forward to milestones as if they could afford to shake off the day that clutched desperately onto my pant leg. “I can’t wait until December, I wish we could just fast forward” as if the space that stood between now and then was nothing but sand stumbling through clumsy fingers, emptying hourglasses like they could be flipped over and restarted.

I always thought of myself as an optimistic person, but damn you shook me. No matter what angle I analyzed, you were still just the lingering shadow in the rear view mirror that I was trying to outrun. The truth is, I never even wanted to get along with you.

As I got older, things started happening. Big, terrible, heartbreaking things, but you and your one track mind just kept on passing. I saw pieces of people around me’s worlds being torn apart but you still didn’t slow down, not for a second. I watched as you threw loved ones off your cargo as if someone’s son was disposable or like some fathers simply didn’t need a tomorrow. The world kept on turning and you just kept on moving blindly like nothing happened. I decided then that nothing wholesome would ever refuse to pause for the broken, and that you in all your disregard were a force to be feared.
So I’d sit down at night and pray to  God like I didn’t know  I believed in, like He could protect me from your greedy hands. I’d pray I could be like the children or the animals that had no concept of your passing, they seemed so free from your grip.

But somehow, something changed.

I was told once that butterflies only lived a few weeks. I never understood why they didn’t seem to care that they were cheaped out of time. I wondered if maybe you seemed to pass slower for them out of sympathy, or if they looked the way they did because they had to try to pack all of the beauty of life into a matter of days. I wondered if I knew I only had twelve days left, how beautiful my life would be.

Then I took a second look and realized I didn’t recognize you anymore. You didn’t look harsh or forceful, of all things…you started seeming kind.

See I’d been blaming you for the very thing I should have been thanking you for. And it’s ironic that time had to pass for me to see the value in passing time, but overnight you became the most valuable thing I’d ever claimed.

I started opening my eyes a little more. I started noticing things that I’d kept overlooking in my pursuit to preserve you. I found the truth in ‘time is money’, but instead of saving you, I cashed out and started spending.
And I spent exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it. I spent more of you with my family, the people who built me. I spent more of you on myself, on all the things I forgot I loved. I spent more of you on taking risks, on things that threatened the fact you’d still keep coming back. I discovered that although I couldn’t control you, I could control everything I filled you with.
The truth is, I needed you.

I needed you for when I discovered my passion for  music and writing and that all of those things couldn’t be done without you.

I needed you for when I realized what love is, when I  told  a girl that I’d rather waste my time doing nothing with her than doing something with anybody else.

I needed you for when things got dark and I felt lost, I needed you to keep pushing forward so I could find my fresh start.
I needed you for when I moved across the world, for when I almost turned around until I remembered how much of you I’d invested to get here.

I needed you for when I sat around a table with my best friends singing songs we used to love when we were 13, and I needed you to realize everything is different- but everything is good. I understand that all the happiness and sadness, the loneliness and excitement of passing time have become packed inside of us – and they make us who we are. I realize now, I was never losing, I was building.
I am a sum of you and all of our shared yesterdays.

So thank you for pressing on. Thank you for setting the sun on my rough days and rising on my good. Thank you for the clean slates and the heartbreaks, the healed wounds and the promising plans. Thank you for giving me more of yourself than I probably deserve. Thank you letting me live more at 21 than some people do at 81. Thank you for being patient enough to wait until I fell in love with you.

I apologize in advance for the future. I’ll probably curse you again someday when I have kids and they start growing up with every blink. I’ll wish more than anything you would slow down and let me take it all in. When I grow old and end comes to end I’ll feel greedy and long for more, but know now that I forgive you for the day the sun rises without me, because of all the beautiful days you let me wake up with it.

Please accept this apology with pride and know that I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your time.

​Remember your beginnings. It will guide you to conquering your end.

Remember how good God has been. Remember how faithful He was when you couldn’t turn to anyone else. Like that time when you didn’t know how you were going to pay for college that year, or how you would find happiness again after a breakup or how he healed your heart when it was broken. Do not forget how you felt useless, worthless, less than, empty, crazy, embarrassed, ashamed and absolutely depressed. How no one else had any idea what you were actually going through, but God knew, and He was patient. He waited until you were ready to open up and deal with that heartache.

Remember all of the holes He dug you out of. Despair, unforgiveness, loneliness, and abandonment. He not only took you out, but He filled every hole and made you stronger.

Remember His surprises. That time that you didn’t even pray for it, but God sent someone to give you exactly what you said in your head that you wanted.

Remember worshipping Him. How you didn’t even expect worship to be that amazing, yet it ended up being the greatest worship session ever. How simply not saying a word but just knowing He was there ended up being everything you needed and more.

Remember when He said your name. When you heard His voice audibly and it absolutely shook your bones and satisfied your soul entirely.

The moment that you prayed and God unexpectedly responded.

Bring back to mind when that person walked out on you, but God never did. Even when you ‘deserved’ it.

The times that God had every reason to be mad at you, but He wasn’t? Like when you abandoned Him for your friends, or for a relationship?

Remember that He is your hero, that He has NEVER failed you and He never will.

He has been your protector. He protected your heart, your mind, your body, your family members and friends, your finances and so much more. He has protected you from making the choices that you knew were wrong. From those wrong turns and toxic relationships that would have left you empty.

He has hidden you from the eyes of the enemy yet has made you a powerful warrior, fearless, perseverant, long-suffering, unrelenting and brave. He has made you an all-time VICTOR by eternally defeating the enemy.

Most importantly, remember the foundation.

Jesus Christ was God but came down as a man, just like you. Perfect and blameless, yet He took up your sin and the sins of this world. He died with your sins and rose with your victory. He released you from the chains of this world and gave you freedom and eternal life in Heaven. He has made peace in the midst of your chaos. Freedom when all you felt was powerlessness. Identity when no one else accepted you or made you feel seen, heard or known. He has been your refuge, your hiding place, your shield in time of pain and your sword in time of war. He exchanged your weakness for His strength, your sickness for His health, your fears for His courage.

So, remember. Simply remember.

To hold on. To not walk away even if it looks like life would be easier without Him. You always know He’s worth it. This that you are feeling is a temporary trial. It is a momentary thought that is tricking you into dropping all the progress you’ve made and the mountains you have conquered.

God is ready and waiting for you to decide that yes, this too, shall pass. Decide that you will not walk away from this covenant, this life, these promises or this wonderful God.

Isaiah 46:9 “Remember the former things long past, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me.”

Remember your beginnings. It will guide you to conquering your end.

​I Wanted A Perfect Life, But God Told Me ‘No

God said ‘NO’. I wanted a road without humps and edges, just a smooth and straight one, but God said ‘no’. He set a rocky road full of obstacles, humps, muds, missing pieces and sharp edges. I asked why, but I received no reply.

I wanted a high paying job without giving out any effort. I asked for it, but God said ‘no’. He let me struggle. I asked why, but I received no reply.

I wanted someone to be my partner, to be my other half, but God said ‘no’. He let her  love someone else. I asked why, I received no reply. God said ‘no’, but I wanted to push it through. I let my emotions control me more than I control them. And so I was broken.

I was broken and I thought God didn’t want me to be happy. I thought God wanted me to suffer. I cried. And I prayed. I asked why. Then I received a hug from heaven as I slept. A peaceful whisper and a slow melody. ‘God loves me’, I said. I could feel it.

Struggles come and you might doubt yourself. But going on and moving forward, you’d realize His ‘NO’s’ are never a rejection. It is either a redirection of your path or reassessment of your faith. God always want you safe and sound, but He also wants you strong and bright. He didn’t give you a rough road to suffer, he gave it so you could be trained.

He wants you fast enough to dodge thee rocks that life will throw you. He wants you to learn. Learn from your experiences, and from your own mistakes. He will allow you be wrong in order to know what is right. He will show you life in black and white, so you can appreciate the colors of the rainbow.

He wants you to do things on your own to realize that you are more than what you think you are. And when you are ready, God will know exactly when you are. The bottom line is that, God never says NO for no reason. It’s just NOT THIS or NOT NOW. Trust Him, because He is forever faithful

Lord,Hear My Voice

DEAR GOD,

I’m spiraling. I’m floating. I’m spinning. I’m losing sight of you and your love in my life. I keep trying to stay focused on the person I’m supposed to be, the person you’ve created me to be, but right now I just feel so lost.

I need your help.

I don’t know when this all began—the feeling of separation from you, the fear, the exhaustion, the struggle to just get out of bed in the morning, the hopelessness when it comes to my purpose, my place in the universe. I used to be so put together. I used to get up and feel like I was on top of the world. I used to exude confidence, self-assurance, security because I knew I was on the right track.

I used to feel your presence in my every movement; I was so determined, maybe even a little prideful because I felt like I was doing all I was supposed to be doing.

And now I’m just sitting here, staring out the window, wondering how to conjure up those feelings again, wondering if I’m too far gone for you to bring me back to you.

But that’s silly isn’t it? Silly for me to doubt in the moment I need you the most. Silly to think that for a second you’d abandon me, even though my existence is so small in the big scheme of things. Because you haven’t. Because you won’t.

You’ve been here for me, countless times before. Every moment I questioned your presence, you brought something into my life that showed me I was never alone. Every second I found myself slipping, you put your arms around me and pulled me back into your grace.

So why is it that now I’m doubting again?

God, I need a reminder of who I am and where I’m going. I need a reminder of who you are and have always been. I need a reminder of the powerful, loving Savior I serve and the incredible things He’s forever doing in the lives of those who follow Him.

I know I’m being foolish, letting my human insecurities and fears cloud my mind. I know I’m being foolish, thinking that I’m so far away from your light I won’t be able to find my way back. I know I’m being foolish, thinking that you don’t love me or that I’m lost and will never be found.

It’s just so hard when the rest of the world keeps spinning—no matter what I try to do, I always feel three steps behind.

But you remind me that what the rest of the world is doing is not of my concern. I don’t need to measure up, to fit, to be ‘on track’ by human standards; I need to be right where you want me to be. I am right where you want me to be. And I need to trust that you’re in control, leading me through this season of doubt.

I need to trust that you are my God, and no matter what I’m feeling on the inside, no matter what’s happening around me, no matter how hopeless or lost I feel, you’re here with me. And you’re not going anywhere.

So please calm my heart. Give me deep breaths and clear thoughts. When I start to worry, remind me of your word. When I start to question, show me answers and the will to keep moving, even if I feel at a standstill.

Bring me light when I’m in darkness and a path to follow when I feel like I’m wandering in circles. When doors close in front of me, give me new ones to open. When people walk away, give me courage to seek out relationships that both build me, and honor you.

When I don’t know who I am anymore, tell me that I am yours.

And in this crazy world, that’s all I want to be.

Please remind me, each time that I forget.

AMEN.

13 Reasons Why 


To many, Hannah Baker was just a fictional character first in a book then in a Netflix series that went viral. To many others who related, they saw Hannah Baker within themselves.
Many saw themselves walking beside her in the halls as whispers grew louder and couldn’t be silenced.
Other saw themselves in the relationships that went from best friends to looking at one another like strangers. And how having some good memories from the past can hurt.
Many saw themselves in loneliness when surrounded by so many. When you are in a sea of people yet you feel alone you just hope someone will understand.
Others saw themselves in the love story of being too afraid to say how you felt, out of fear the other person might not say it back. So silence broke hearts when words might have healed it. 
“I cost a girl her life because I was too afraid to love her.”
Many saw themselves in the rape scenes. Where fear and shock was very real to a point where you’re frozen just wanting it to stop. Then it does. And you change. And there is no way to undo what has happened to you, so you have to live with something you didn’t choose but was forced upon you. And it takes everything in you to not blame yourself.
Others saw themselves in how depressed Hannah was walking around trying to make sense of how complicated it is to feel things so deeply sometimes. Hiding behind a mask because it’s easier to pretend everything was okay, then admit you need help.
Many others and I think the hardest place people saw themselves was in the suicide. Whether you’ve attempted yourself or thought about it, the scene made me cringe. Not just because it was so graphic but because I know it’s so many people’s reality.

This is to you…

When suicide is the second leading cause of death for kids between the ages of 18-24, that’s more than a statistic. Those are lives that have been lost. Those are children, friends, students, peers. And way too many people who should still be here.
So to every person who isn’t a statistic…
I’m so proud of you.
I am so proud of you because I know how hard some days are.
I know how alone you feel.
I understand there’s this pain within you, you can’t shake.
I know you think ending your life is a solution. But it isn’t. All that happens when you end your pain is you pass along to someone else. Your death is something that happens to everyone else around you.

And I know you might feel empty or feel nothing at all. Maybe you have a plan already or a suicide note, written. When you know exactly how you are going to do it and when.
But I’m going to stop you there.
I’m going to ask you to stay because so many people need you here.
Because I know there is a little bit of hope left in you. I know you don’t want to end your life, you just want the pain you’re feeling to go away.
And I don’t know what is causing it for you, maybe it’s heartbreak or bullying or depression. Maybe you’re 17 too and you don’t see a future.
But these things you are feelings, these bad days you are having, are simply preparing you for all the good that has yet to come in your life.

Stay around to see those good days.

There are still so many people who have yet to meet you. So many lives you are going to change. Love stories that need you apart of them. Because as lost as you feel and as lonely as you feel, there is somebody looking for someone just like you. Do not deny them the chance of meeting you because you want to take your life.
I know, it kind of feels like you’re alone and no one understands. I know you might be stressed and overwhelmed, not just by school or work but about these heavy emotions consuming you and it’s taken a toll.
And you feel like a burden to people around you. You think their lives would be better if they didn’t have to worry about you so much. But they would rather worry than be weeping at your funeral blaming themselves for something they should have seen.
But people don’t see it. Because I know like Hannah, you’re really good at hiding how you feel. I know you’ve mastered the art of keeping your head down in silence when so many thoughts consume you, taking you to this dark negative place.
I know you feel both invisible and silent. Because you can’t even find the words to describe how you feel, you just know it’s not right.
I know how much it hurts. Even if you can’t describe what that “it” is. There’s a pain within your soul you can’t shake.

I’m going to tell you something you might not have heard in awhile you are so strong. The fact that you can feel these things so deeply and it can only be described as hell when your mind tries to drag you into darkness but you still find the light.
You become a light for others because you know what it’s like to be in that deep.
You weren’t here you simply end your life looking for the easy way out. Because nothing about that is easy. But you were here to prevent others from making a mistake that will cost them everything.
I need you to simply do one thing for me, get it tomorrow. And when you get there, get to the next day. And when you get there, get to the one after that. One day you are going to look back at this and realize how glad you are, things didn’t end when you wanted them to.
And when that day comes and you’re standing on your own two feet and those thoughts at night aren’t drowning you, the way I know they are right now, I want you to reach out to me and tell me you’ve made it.
Because I know you have the strength to get there.
A bad day is only 24 hours but the best day of your life could be tomorrow.