​I Wanted A Perfect Life, But God Told Me ‘No

God said ‘NO’. I wanted a road without humps and edges, just a smooth and straight one, but God said ‘no’. He set a rocky road full of obstacles, humps, muds, missing pieces and sharp edges. I asked why, but I received no reply.

I wanted a high paying job without giving out any effort. I asked for it, but God said ‘no’. He let me struggle. I asked why, but I received no reply.

I wanted someone to be my partner, to be my other half, but God said ‘no’. He let her  love someone else. I asked why, I received no reply. God said ‘no’, but I wanted to push it through. I let my emotions control me more than I control them. And so I was broken.

I was broken and I thought God didn’t want me to be happy. I thought God wanted me to suffer. I cried. And I prayed. I asked why. Then I received a hug from heaven as I slept. A peaceful whisper and a slow melody. ‘God loves me’, I said. I could feel it.

Struggles come and you might doubt yourself. But going on and moving forward, you’d realize His ‘NO’s’ are never a rejection. It is either a redirection of your path or reassessment of your faith. God always want you safe and sound, but He also wants you strong and bright. He didn’t give you a rough road to suffer, he gave it so you could be trained.

He wants you fast enough to dodge thee rocks that life will throw you. He wants you to learn. Learn from your experiences, and from your own mistakes. He will allow you be wrong in order to know what is right. He will show you life in black and white, so you can appreciate the colors of the rainbow.

He wants you to do things on your own to realize that you are more than what you think you are. And when you are ready, God will know exactly when you are. The bottom line is that, God never says NO for no reason. It’s just NOT THIS or NOT NOW. Trust Him, because He is forever faithful

Advertisements

Time Changes Everyone

I’m happy with the way things turned out. I’m happy with the path that my life took, with all of the twists and turns that lead me to the place where I am today.

But, even though I’m thankful for the location where I’m living and the people that are surrounding me, I still miss the way things used to be.

I miss the friends that I’ve grown apart from over the years. I miss the family that has moved away and lost touch with me. I miss the days when I could carry around a carefree attitude instead of worrying about when I have to pay my next bill and what time I have to wake up for work.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with where I am. I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I wouldn’t change any aspect of my life, even if I had the ability to do so.

One of the scariest, but most comforting things about life is that it’s forever changing. One moment we’re up, the next were down, and then suddenly we’re on the upswing again.

We don’t sit still. We’re never stuck. We won’t always feel this low. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you will be okay, because you will. I promise.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t miss the past. That I can’t relive the memories that mean the most to me.

In a perfect world, I could call up the friends that I miss and have a reunion with the family that I haven’t seen in years.

But the problem is that things change. I’m older now. I’m different now. Everyone around me is different, too. The people I remember from my memories aren’t the same people right now. They’re new, they’re fresh, they’re practical strangers.

Reconnecting with old friends might sound like the easy choice, but it isn’t always the right choice.

I can’t call up the exes I miss, because in my heart I know that we’re better off keeping our distance from each other. And I can’t go back to the job I miss, because I’ve outgrown it and am ready for bigger things.

I can’t just run back to the past when I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because I don’t belong there. I belong exactly where I am right now.

I’m already where I’m meant to be. I know I am. But I’m allowed to miss the past. I’m allowed to look back at old photographs and tell stories about how much fun my childhood friends were. I’m allowed to flip through yearbooks and social media stalk old crushes to see how they turned out.

I’m allowed to miss the past, but not want to go back to it. I’m allowed to think about how many amazing people I’ve met and places I’ve been, but be ready to move onto better things.

Sure, I miss the way things used to be and a part of me always will, a part of me will always love those old friends and cherish those old memories.

But, the truth is, I’m even happier now than I was back then. I’m an even better, stronger person than I ever was before. 

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I also  do believe that every choice we have made in the past has put us where we currently are in life. I do not believe that we would have ever worked — no matter how many do-overs we could’ve gotten — but I do believe that we both learned something from our time together that will serve us well in the future. #TBT

Being Comfortable With Uncertainty

“When you become comfortable with uncertainty, Infinite Possibilities open up in your life.” – Eckhart Tolle
“If you want to know your past – look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future – look into your present actions,” states the Chinese Proverb.
Reality is filled with uncertainty. 
Seldom do we have an exact picture of the path ahead, so we accept what arises with determined courage.
It is natural to uphold a level of control, yet we need uncertainty to prevail since the seeds of opportunity lie in the unexpected.
At a deeper level, we fear uncertainty because we lack the life skills to navigate through it. Recognised as the mind’s negativity bias, we doubt our capacity to cope with the unexpected and exaggerate events to the detriment of our mental and emotional wellbeing.
With so much talk of stress these days, we need to know what the imminent future holds in store for us. Yet the security we crave for is but an illusion to lull us into a false sense of safety. 
Author David Rock states in Your Brain at Work, “The brain craves certainty. A sense of uncertainty about the future and feeling out of control both generate strong limbic system responses.”
As a result your brain looks to your external environment to reinforce a known sense of balance. In primitive times our ancestors had to contend with a variety of conditions to sustain life. The threat of wild animals, adjusting to climatic conditions, fear of attack from rival tribes and the outbreak of disease, were barriers to their survival.
Thankfully, life in the modern world is not as bleak, yet modern life is replete with its own stressors which pose a hazard to our wellbeing. Uncertainty for the modern man is contained within: intimate relationships, volatile economies, uncertain job security, weather fluctuations and health concerns.
Bruce Hood affirms in his book The Self Illusion, “…in situations where outcomes are important, we get stressed by uncertainty and feel the need to do something so that we can have the illusion that we can control events.”
To retain binding command of our lives is both a blessing and curse. In one way it affirms our sense of safety, knowing we need not contend with tentative conditions. On the other hand, its misleading bias is overstated by our limited control, if any.
It is no surprise that the mind is notorious for emphasising circumstances which appear less dramatic than they are. Known in psychology as catastrophizing, the inherent bias to perceive events within a negative context.
The fear of “not knowing” what lies ahead impedes our long term welfare. At a deeper level, fear of the future terrifies us because of the unfamiliar conditions which lie ahead. It interferes with attaining emotional freedom.
“Faith means living with uncertainty – feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.” – Dan Millman
So how can we embrace the unexpected without the barrage of emotions which ensue?
To accept uncertainty in our lives requires a change in perspective. We yield to the intrinsic forces of life instead of oppose them. However uncomfortable it may seem, we surrender to the natural order of events by leaning in to our fears and insecurities.
You reason with your anxieties by perceiving them with a logical mind instead of becoming embroiled in them. Otherwise, we risk activating our fight or flight nervous system every time, which senses we are in imminent danger instead of being uncomfortable.
Remain present in your body when anxiety threatens your emotional wellbeing. Choose a proper time to examine the motivation for your anxiety. 
Have there been moments in the past which caused similar anxiety? 
If so, are you repeating those same feelings instead of facing them?
Fear is a confronting emotion, though we gain strength when we embrace it as a useful emotion. I often remind myself that fear is an illusion. I can reduce the volume of fear by being exposed to it moderately each time.
We rarely have all the answers, which means uncertainty is as much an inner declaration that everything will turn out well in due course. It strengthens our resolve and commitment to the natural cycles of life. Change in itself is terrifying, not the conditions themselves.
The key lesson is to be comfortable with uncertainty – why? Because it exists and we should avoid retreating in resignation wishing life were different. 
We evolve by being exposed to uncertainty and confronting our fears, otherwise they dominate our mental landscape and grow in intensity. To that extreme that which we oppose must be met head on. 
It was the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius who declared, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Find middle ground between living with uncertainty and maintaining a level of control, short of manipulating outcomes. Let go of tension, anxiety and fear by embracing the unknown. Consider uncertainty a worthwhile journey toward a daring future. 
Uncertainty allows us to re-evaluate the past and make new choices in light of what transpires. It presents opportunities to create a compelling future based on new information.

Unrequited Love

I FEEL nothing. I think nothing. I get straight into my journey , not knowing exactly where I should go. No one is waiting for me at the end of the journey. Melancholy has become apathy. I need to drag myself onward

 I need to distract myself, to forget everything from before and concentrate on something different.

Dear God, of whom I think very little but in whom I trust in times of affliction, did I come here for granted?
SHOULD someone beg forgiveness for harboring an impossible Love? No, certainly not.

Because God’s Love for us is also impossible. It’s never requited at the time, and yet He continues to love us. He loved us so much that He sent His only son to explain how Love is the force that moves the sun and all the stars. In one of his letters to the Corinthians (which we were made to learn by heart at school), Paul says:

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And we all know why. We often hear what seem to be great ideas to transform the world, but they are words spoken without feeling, empty of Love. However logical and intelligent they might be, they do not touch us.

Paul compares Love with Prophecy, with knowledge of the Mysteries, and with Faith and Charity.

Why is Love more important than Faith?

Because Faith is merely the road that leads us to the Greater Love.

Why is Love more important than Charity?

Because Charity is only one of the manifestations of Love. And the whole is always more important than the part. And Charity is also only one of the many roads that Love uses to bring man closer to his fellow man.

And we all know that there is a lot of Charity out there without Love. Every week, a “charity ball” is held. People pay a fortune to buy a table, take part, and have fun in their jewels and their expensive clothes. We leave thinking that the world is a better place because of the amount of money collected for the homeless, the refugees , or the starving . We stop feeling guilty about the cruel display of poverty, but we never ask ourselves where that money is going.

Those without the right contacts to go to a charity ball or those who can’t afford such extravagance will pass by a beggar and give him a coin. Fine. What could be easier than tossing a coin at a beggar in the street? It’s usually easier than not doing so.

What a sense of relief, and for just one coin! It’s cheap and solves the beggar’s problem.

However, if we really loved him, we would do a lot more for him.

Or we would do nothing. We wouldn’t give him that coin and—who knows?—our sense of guilt at such poverty might awaken real Love in us.

Paul then goes on to compare Love with sacrifice and martyrdom.

I understand his words better today. Even if I were the most successful man in the world, even if I were more admired and more desired than celebrities, it would be worth nothing if I had no Love in my heart. Nothing.

Whenever you ask artists or politicians, social workers or doctors, students or civil servants, I always ask: “What is your objective, your goal?” Some say: to start a family. Others say: to get on in my career. But when I probe deeper and ask again, the automatic response is: to make the world a better place.

I feel like going to the Nairobi streets with a manifesto printed in letters of gold and handing it to every passing person and car. On it will be written:

I ask all those who hope to one day work for the good of humanity: never forget that even if you deliver up your body to be burned, you gain nothing if you have not Love. Nothing!
There is nothing more important we can give than the Love reflected in our own lives. That is the one universal language that allows us to speak Chinese or the dialects of India. 
The message of Love is in the way I live my life, and not in my words or my deeds.
In the letter to the Corinthians, Paul tells us, in three short lines, that Love is made of many elements, like light. We learn at school that if we pick up a prism and allow a ray of light to pass through, that ray will divide into seven colors, those of the rainbow.

Paul shows us the rainbow of Love just as a prism reveals to us the rainbow of light.

And what are those elements? They are virtues we hear about every day and that we can practice in every moment.
Patience: Love is patient …

Kindness:… and kind.

Generosity: Love does not envy …

Humility:… or boast; it is not arrogant …

Courtesy:… or rude.

Unselfishness: It does not insist on its own way.

Good temper: It is not irritable … or resentful.

Guilelessness: or resentful.

Sincerity: It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.



All these gifts concern us, our daily lives, and today and tomorrow, not with Eternity.

The problem is that people tend to relate these traits to the Love of God, but how does God’s Love manifest itself? Through the Love of man.

To find Peace in the heavens, we must find love on Earth. Without it, we are worthless.

I love and no one can take that away from me. I love my parents, who always supports me. I think I also loved another lady, whom I met last year. And while I was walking toward her, one lovely afternoon, I dropped all my defenses and couldnt rebuild them. I become  vulnerable, but I don’t regret that.

This morning, when I was drinking a cup of coffee, I looked at the gentle light outside and remembered that walk, asking myself for the last time: Am I trying to create a real problem to drive away my imaginary ones? Am I really in love or have I simply transformed all the last year’s unpleasant feelings into a fantasy?

No. God would never be so unfair as to allow me to fall in love like that if there were not some possibility for that love being requited.

But sometimes Love demands that you fight for it. And that’s just what I will do. In the pursuit of justice, I have to ward off evil without exasperation or impatience. When she is long gone and am left with myself, I will thank me for the rest of my live.

Or  I will be left with the feeling that I fought as hard as I could.

I’m a new man. I am pursuing something that won’t come to me of its own free will.

I believes any false move might compromise issues.So what do I need to concentrate on? On undoing that without her realizing it.

​Live A Life That’s Filled To The Brim With Excitement

Live a life that has you filled to the brim with excitement, a life that you’re enthusiastic about when you wake up in the morning. Live a life you can’t get enough of, a life that makes you smile for no reason when you think about how lucky you are.
Live a life that is filled with your kind of excitement. A life where you don’t feel like you’re obligated to do something, that you don’t feel like you’re only doing something because it’s required.

Live a life that makes you feel like you have a purpose, a life that makes you filled with happiness because you can’t wait for all the fulfilling moments you’ll experience that day.

Find something that fills you with excitement and never let it go.

 If it’s painting abstract art become a painter. If it’s sitting in a bookstore that brings you pure joy, go find a bookstore. If it’s writing articles and you’ve been rejected 20 times, keep submitting, keep improving, but don’t let your dreams die because you get rejected, use it to inspire you to be greater and dig deeper.

Find something that makes your life feel like you found your purpose and never let it go.

Live a life where you are genuinely thankful for what you have, not a kind of life where you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. If you can’t find thanks to give in your everyday life take yourself out of your comfort zone. Spend a night sleeping on the streets, go on a mission trip and see how other’s live, feel empathetic for those who truly have nothing. Change your perspective and realize that you are truly lucky and that you are thankful for what you have.

Live a life where work makes you feel completed and like you’re doing something good. Don’t work a job that pays the bills just because, take some time out of your structured life and just let it go.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself if this life is making you happy, if this life is filling you with excitement and if the answer is no, change something.

Change your job, your routine, your diet, or your relationships, but change something. Make it better. Never stop improving.

Live a life that you are proud of. Live a life that makes you feel happy to wake up every morning and be able to start the day. Live a life that makes you smile for no reason.

Surround yourself with people who make you genuinely happy, not people who you pretend to like. People who make you a better person, that make your heart grow bigger, people that fill you with the utmost love in this life.

Live a life you are obsessed with, a life that is filled with your type of excitement and happiness. Live your best life, after all you’ve only got one shot to make it count.

Live a life where you don’t settle, live a life where you can honestly say you’re happy, live a life that brings you joy and live a life that you are excited about.

Find something you love and never let it go. Inspired by Lone Felix ,Youth Leader and Ruth Ambogo Director Kenya Young Women Leadership at Writers Guild,Writers Centre Nairobi.

#Own_Your_Purpose

​This Is Your Life And You Have To Own It

Your Life. What does that mean to you.

If you were to ask me this question a year or two ago my answer would probably have been, what do you mean? My life is school, grades, how people view me, how I act in front of people, and the faces
I put on in different scenarios. These are not limited to these examples but I put them there to prove a point. My life consisted of everything physical and how people viewed me.  Fast-forward to present day, from my experiences and lessons, I would answer the question differently.
What does my life mean to me? Me? Hmm… that is a good question. My life to me… is meant to be lived.
Lived in the aspect of feeling and experiencing.  Feeling my emotions and absorbing my experiences, good or bad. That is what my life means and what I value.
Everyone is different, but that is mine.  My hope for you however is that what your life means to you is not based upon any judgements of others.  You know why? Because if they are going to sit there and judge the way you speak, the way you act, or the way you react to situations then they truly do not understand the concept of living and what it means.
Living means learning. Living means feeling.  Living means making mistakes. And living means doing. Doing what your little heart desires, within reason of course to your health.
To the main point of this article however is to realize that this life is yours and yours only.  It is not your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your peers, your boyfriend’s, your girlfriend’s, or anything but yours.  What I mean through these examples is when you choose to do something based on how you think they would react or doing so to seek their approval and confirmation.  Having been in that situation before I can relate to feeling the uncontrol and the overwhelming sense of anxiety.
Secondly, if you relate to this can I just say that this is not what you deserve. You were given this life. You were given this one life. If you are trying to live in the expectations others have “set” for you to follow then you will not find what your life truly means to you.  Not genuinely.
Everyone’s circumstances are different and effect each person differently. That is why this can be a difficult topic to write about, really anything about mental health is hard to write about, because how can I as a writer know what you are personally going through and give you advice, through what I have learned, that can genuinely help you to make a break through in your own mind.  The answer for me is: I don’t know.
But that is what I have to accept too, not everyone will feel moved or be effected by my writing. But if it helps one. One person find a little self-discovery then it is worth it to me. Here is what I would say about trying to live your life in others expectations. One day, this may sound morbid but please bear with me on this one, you will wake up and you may not have your parents anymore, your siblings, or the friends that you have now. Don’t focus on that, focus on the fact that you will be surrounded with what you have chosen to surround yourself with.
That’s it. What happens then. Who will you look to in order to make decisions?  To tell you who to see? To tell you what to do? To tell you what you are supposed to like or dislike? Are you catching on a little bit… I hope you are. The earlier to realize this, the earlier you will begin to see that your life is yours. It cannot be anyone else’s because A) why would you want to live someone else’s life, they have their problems as well– you may just not see them. B) you were given your soul, your mind, and your emotions.

These are what matter in the long run. What you will look back when you are old. How happy you felt, how loved you felt, how appreciated you felt. Not whether you got an A + on the math exam or how successful you were in a job that you never really enjoyed.

How do you want to view your life? You choose. But don’t just choose, change.

​Life Is Fleeting, But We Must Press On

“There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.”
—Fred Rogers
It’s hard to believe that the year is already half over. We crossed the half-way point in June, and as we turn the corner into the later part of the year, I once again come to terms with the realization that the year is not new anymore, and that life continues on as it always has, hurried and unavoidable.
When the year seems new, the canvas of my life seems fresh and untainted. I am unburdened; blissfully oblivious of how quickly time flies. I set goals and intentions for how I’ll live and how I’ll grow. I resolve to be better. The weight of the last year lifts for a moment, and I feel as though I can do anything.
Then I realize I still  have responsibilities, and even baggage. Even my most low-key resolution – reaching  to the people I care about – is exhausting; I don’t want to keep sharing my worries with friends who seem to have it together. I tell myself I don’t have time to chart- I’m just too busy. In short, I am sick of “trying.”
Some of you may be valiantly keeping all the promises you secretly made to yourself at the beginning of this year. But others, like me, are losing the determination to stick to our guns as cold July days tick by in Nairobi, thick with lazy  vibes, and humidity. Our resolutions are quickly forgotten in the chaos of a monotonous days of the week, a bad case of strep throat, or the death of a loved one. Our best intentions are slowly getting beset by daily life.
To the people who feel like this year has already gotten out of control, who once again feel stagnant in their quest for a better self, who feel overwhelmed, who realize the brevity of the days, I’ve got a heavy but hopeful message: Mistakes and steps backward can be a necessary part of the journey, and change does not happen all at once.
In his book, Warrior of the Light, the author Paulo Coelho writes,
“He [the Warrior] often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking he is incapable of making any progress in life.
‘I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘but you have never been beyond it.’

Then he [the Warrior] realizes that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.”
It makes sense that the majority of people don’t want to learn hard things through trial and error; it leads to disappointment and frustration. We desperately want for life to be normal or easy, for good things to magically happen to us. We are a reactionary species, and most recently a society which values instant gratification. Rare is the person who pursues gradual challenges or change.
To assume I will still have friends, if I never reach out and put in the effort to connect, is leaving a lot to chance. Most likely the results won’t be good. If I want to love my friends well, I better choose to be a more intentional friend by reaching out to them in tangible ways, every single day. Yet, because this change of self doesn’t happen overnight, I end up feeling like a garbage friend when I realize I haven’t touched base with certain people in over a month. Am I wasting my days? Why can’t I seem to get it together?
The “day-to-day” is messy, agonizing, and just down-right tiring. We are constantly faced with challenges and often don’t do what is ultimately best for us. We mess up. This is when those feelings of inadequacy start to creep in. We beat ourselves up for not being better than we are. But guys listen up: Personal growth has no timeline; there is no deadline to meet.
I believe that in the telling of my greater life story, misadventures lead to deeper self-awareness, clarity regarding our personal priorities, and give hopeful hints in answering some tough questions. What do I prioritize? What led to the failure I experienced? These rough times lead to the change I so desperately seek at the beginning of every year. The daily challenges are what make up a life that is consistently striving “for more.”
More purpose. More. Adventure. More growth.
In writing this, I hope to not only myself, but others too. While embarking on a mission towards a better self is risky, to never take the first steps because it will “take too much time or effort, would be denying ones’ self of the incredible opportunity to make the kind of change that instills itself in the soul and holds on forever. By wrestling with my tendency to give up making the effort to connect, I am building stronger will that can translate to other areas of my life. I may not always want to be vulnerable with people when connecting to them, and maybe I’ll chose happy hour over chatting, but at least I am trying. Only by trying, even if there is a possibility for failure, can we grow steadfast in our intentions.
Do not think of this year as a sprint towards a better you, think of it as one leg in the long marathon towards a more fulfilling story for your life.</h2?

We all learn at different paces and through different methods, so as we head into the latter part of this year, simply resolve to grow. Don’t give up this year as a lost cause. Set intentions and fail, knowing that one day you will not make the same mistakes and the goals, which once seem so unreachable, will come into view. I want to own and create a magical and empowered personal story for myself, one “letter to a friend” at a time, and so I will press on toward greater intimacy with those I most love, with the hope that this task that seems so challenging now, will one day be a concrete part of my ever evolving story.
“…we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry, thinking “What am I gonna do?”, “Where am I gonna be in ten years?” ….. in the end none of us have very long on this earth – life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night, and when a shooting star streaks through the blackness turning night into day, make a wish…Make your life spectacular.”
–JACK (1996)