A Prayer For The Days You Feel Broken Beyond Repair

Dear God,

I come to you with every part of myself shattered. I come to you with the person I used to be so far gone, I can hardly remember him. I come to you with honestly, nothing.

Because I not only have lost my way, but I’ve lost myself.

Today I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize the reflection. There is an ache that I can see in my face, in the lines around what used to be my smile, in the hollowness of my eyes.

Father, I’m sad. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hard on myself. I used to be so strong. I used to be so happy. Life used to bring me down, but never this far. I always had the strength to rise again.

But now, I don’t know what happened.

Maybe I’ve strayed too far from your light. Maybe I let people pull me away from your mercy. Maybe I’ve trusted my own feet to guide me, when I should have been following your footsteps all along.

Maybe I’ve been trying to do this all alone, when what I really need to do is let go and give this pain to you.

See, God, I’ve been aching for too long now. My heart feels broken. My eyes feel heavy. My legs are like dead weight, dragging behind me with every step. I’ve started to see the world differently. I don’t open my eyes and smile into the sunshine. I don’t laugh easily at the silly jokes of life. I don’t look at strangers, or listen to the birds, or pet puppies when they pass by me on the street.

I’ve just been ho-humming through my days. I’ve just been wishing every second away. I’ve just been dreading, and plugging, and existing. I haven’t been living. And I want this to change.

Lord, I need you. I need your grace. I need your forgiveness. I need your love to lift this heavy weight from my shoulders and help me begin again.

For too long I’ve been carrying this burden. For too long I’ve been letting my heartache determine my fate. For too long I’ve been looking in this mirror and only seeing the cracks, the brokenness, the faults, the flaws.

And I need to see you again.

Lord, I ask that you come back into my life, that you flood me with your holiness and happiness. I ask that you come to me in my brokenness, in my undeserving, sinful nature, and remind me that I am always forgiven, always loved.

Please remind me who I am. Please remind me I am yours.

Please take these shattered pieces of my heart, these tired hands, these crying eyes, this lonely heart and turn my face to you, Lord. Show me how your forgiveness has healed me, and will continue to heal me, every single day. Show me how your mercy will lift me from this place of despair.

Show me that I do not have to live like this anymore.

And brighten my days, bring a smile to my face. Teach me that when I feel irreparably broken, I can always turn to you and you will make me whole again.

Remind me that I am never alone.

And remind me, when I look in the mirror, that I need not look for negativity, for faults, for all the pieces of me that are imperfect. Help me to see happiness again. Help me to see a Son of Christ, beautiful because of His love for me.

Amen. 

Dear God — I’m Coming Back To You

I want to stop declaring that I am lost, that I don’t know what to do or where to go. I want to stop saying that I have no time, or that I have time but I want space. I want to stop thinking that I can do things on my own. That I can survive without you. That I can breathe on my own.

I want to stop whatever the hell I am doing with my life and start doing it Your way.

I want to wake up and grab my Bible before I even grab my phone. I want to rise in the morning and be excited to hear Your word instead of hearing the world. I want to have a meaningful conversation with You first thing in the morning rather chat my colleague or my boss. I want to tell You how much You mean to me and how much I love You before I close my eyes to sleep rather send someone a cheesy text message.

I want to praise You and mean it. I want to worship You and be true in it. I want to say words that bring glory to You and actually mean it. I want to sing songs and deliver the lyrics genuinely. I want to raise my hand for You and know that it is for You, that You are the only thing I am thinking about, the only thing I am fixating on.

I want to say, “God, You are my everything.” and realize that I am hollow and deserted, that I am undoubtedly nothing without you. I want to utter prayers and be certain that they are profoundly from my soul, not empty words, nor empty promises.

I want to please You, and not the world. I want to do things for Your glory and not mine. I want my life to be a book of blessing, a prism that will radiate Your light.

I want to turn down the world and turn up Your word. I want to stop listening to what it wants me to be and start listening to what You want me to be.

I want to quit dwelling in my past, in my sins, in the things I regret doing, in the things that wrecked me. I want to forget all of those and remember Your goodness, Your glory and Your mercies which are new every morning.

I want to free myself and be lost in YOU. I want to be on fire for you. I want to be as excited about You like how I’m excited about the holidays and even more. I want to be as passionate about loving You like how I am passionate about writing and even more. God, I want to say ‘I love you’ and know deep down that I do, that I ultimately adore you.

I want to love You more than I love myself, or the people around me, or the world for that matter. I want to put You first, before my issues, before my personal desires. I want to build my life around You, and not around my career or my love life.

I want to aim for things that will make You proud of me. I want to pursue people that will draw me closer to You. I want to chase things that will honor You.

I want to come back, God.

To You, the only Man who ever loved and loves me relentlessly. To You, who forever claims me as His very own Son. To You, who treats me as His precious possession. To You, who, despite how far I ran, would always wait for that sweet moment I come back. To You, who, when the storms and the seas are raging, will always be there holding me still.

God, I just want to be back. For the longest time I know I’m there; praying, reading Your word, attending church but am I really there? Am I really present? Am I really listening? Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, I just want to be present and be definite that I am. I want to be in Your presence. I want to be in Your love. I want to be in Your arms. I want to be revived. I want to be new, away from who I was yesterday.

God, I just want to be back.